That hollow feeling (swear word warning)

This will sound stupid, but do you ever just kind of lose the will to live? Not wanting to die, necessarily, but losing the will to live. Losing the will to enjoy the food you eat every day instead of simply eating because you must. Losing the will to enjoy your time with family because it’s fun instead of just doing it because they’ll start to worry if you don’t. Losing the will to sleep because it’s a nice way to let your body rest and because the dreams you have are good instead of sleeping because you’ll shut down completely otherwise. The loss of feeling things and enjoyment of the little things in life, where the only reason you function at all is because you don’t have the heart to give up. The hollow, dull ache of sadness that just makes you want to stay in bed and stew all day.

That’s been me for the past week or so, and it’s only gotten worse. I’m only caring for my flesh-vessel (body) right now because I just flat-out don’t have the energy to die or try to die and therefore must continue to function at least a little bit if I want to survive. My energy is focused on literally nothing, and I’m kind of floating through my day-to-day activities on some sort of autopilot, silently going “fuck my life” and “why does my brain feel like it’s being rained on” as I go. Dumb, simple stuff like that. Nothing is worth the thought nor the energy and it’s all your fault because you’re not trying hard enough according to the voice in the back of your mind, which won’t shut up no matter how hard you try.

I’ve been coping with a lot of loss lately. No one’s died or anything like that, it’s just I’ve lost some friendships. Two real-life ones, and then I got blocked by someone on Instagram earlier the prior week. That person and I weren’t super close, but of course it came without warning, and it just hurts in general. I think maybe I was too boring or something or did something wrong, but I’ll never know for sure unless the block is temporary and they come back and tell me why later or some shit like that. Obviously, the likelihood of that is low, but I’ll be praying tonight nonetheless and if they’re reading this: I sent you some other socials of mine you can DM me on in our old messages if you ever decide you wanna talk or something like that. I should probably just let it go by now, but that’s not something I feel ready to do, and so I’ll take my sweet time getting over it.

I should also probably be more worried about the loss of those two irl friends, but eh. One of them’s my ex and really not worth the energy unless I’m in a room with them and they’re talking or something like that. Not having them still hurts, especially since we were close pals for three years, but I guess that’s just what I get for dating one of my friends while we’re both so young. Don’t be like me, folks. The other one says he hates me because I’m too loud or something, I think.

I’m going to the mall on Wednesday, so I feel like I should be more positive, since there’s gonna be stuff like skating there, but the depression cloud is heavier right now, so I’m just more focused on writing this. Maybe people will find this relatable, but I don’t know for sure. To whoever is reading this: thanks for getting this far. We’re hopefully about halfway through my depressed ramblings right about now, though I can’t be sure quite yet. Honestly, I’m just writing this as I go and as things pop into my head.

I’ve noticed as of late that I just seem to have kind of shitty luck. It’s like when the universe spins the wheel to decide what happens next, there’s only one good thing on there and it just keeps landing on the bad stuff. Of course, Mom’s probably going to read this and get all worried and stuff (hi, Mom), but I don’t care. I don’t wanna talk about it and I don’t want your help. I don’t have the energy right now and probably won’t tomorrow, since I spent most of my morning listening to sad songs and crying, which is incredibly energy-sapping when you’re already tired all the time. Also, no, I do not need more sleep. Or food. Don’t even suggest it. I know exactly what’s wrong and what’s wrong is that I’m going through a depressive episode of some sort. I just have to cry a lot and wait it out like a sickness and eventually I’ll be better again. Meanwhile I’ll just stay on autopilot.

On an ever-so-slightly lighter note, I do have some stuff I’m working on for my YouTube channel, and I’ll start writing my bio and stuff soon as well and getting my act together, and I’m in the process of making some videos to post, so hopefully I’ll upload some content soon. Anyhow that’s all for now. Thanks for stopping by and have a pleasant day.